Cooking with Snape
by Elisabeth Potter
Summary: TV cooking taken to a whole new level.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer__: I own this! Well… not the characters… or the locations… or most of the spells… Oh screw this; I basically only own the plot. –grumbles- Anyone want to make a donation?_

_Summary__: TV cooking taken to a whole new level._

**Cooking with Snape**

**Chapter 1**: Butter substitution

The camera turns and zooms in upon a cosy little kitchen in the Hogwarts dungeons, decorated with pink ribbons and lace. In the middle of the counter stands a man in black robes with his back to the camera. He seems to be looking out from of the fake window to the painted décor behind.

'Three, two, one and action,' a disembodied voice calls.

The man turns around and smiles at the camera. 'Welcome on this fine day to my new program; Cooking with Snape. I am Professor Severus Snape, potions master at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, as many of you may know me. But you don't know my real passion, which I will be introducing you to today; cooking. First off, to be a good cook, you need the right attire.'

Promptly he pulls out a floral patterned apron and a hairnet from under the counter. He puts the apron on, and then placed the hairnet over his greasy hair before finally tying the apron.

'Now, today we'll be making Horklump-Flobberworm casserole. In some people's opinion the only good thing you can do with them. I have to agree,' Snape nods, producing two bowls, one filled with Horklumps, the other with Flobberworms. 'First thing you do is chop them all up into tiny pieces.' He points his wand to the bowls. 'Sectumsempra. Now remember, this is a dark spell, all you goody goods out there might want to use a different one. I might suggest "Defodio", though it is not as effective.'

'Right, the next thing we need is a fire to bake up the Horklumps and Flobberworms before they are put in the casserole, for the extra crispy taste. Incendio,' he says, pointing his wand at the stove, on which one of the pitches immediately sparks to life. 'Next thing we should get a frying pan, but since the House Elves would not lend me any, I'll be using a cauldron instead.'

He points his wand to the stove again and a cauldron appears on the happily spluttering fire.

'To make sure we don't burn anything, we first put a whole package of butter…' Snape looks around worriedly. 'One moment, please. Butter, butter, butter… eggs, flower, veritaserum, shampoo, weird and scary looking floaty thingy in pot… Ah, no that's a bar a soap… butter, butter, butter… flask of love potion for Filch… poison to sell Filch as cure for Mrs. Norris's sneeze… but no butter. I must have used the last on my hair. Oh well,' he mutters turning back to the camera. 'It seems I've run out of butter at the moment, but don't despair, I've got a substitution for it.'

He points his wand to the counter and suddenly the disembodied head of James Potter appears.

'What do you think you're doing, Snivellus?' The head demands 'I was just starting to enjoy my eternal rest!'

'Silenco,' Snape points his wand at the head with a bored expression. 'When you don't have butter in the vicinity, almost anything can be used instead, just as long as you have the right spell at hand.'

'Obviously you don't,' James's head comments. 'You can't even produce a working silencing charm. Anyway, you aren't making that Horklump-Flobberworm casserole again, are you? Wait till the world finds out it was not Voldemort that killed us, but in fact it being food poisoning from disaster take 3 which you dare to call food. Do you have a permanent bezoar in your stomach or something that you haven't died yet?'

'Shut up, I wasn't talking to you,' Snape snaps.

'No, but I am talking to you. You know, we were trying to be friendly by eating that thing you called a casserole, but even Lily hated it. She actually tried to puke it out when you left, but it had sollified (**A/N**: _If that isn't a word it is now_) in her stomach and wouldn't get out. It's a good thing Harry wasn't eating that kind of solid foods just yet. The poor kid wouldn't have known what was happening to him and we wouldn't have closed an eye.'

Irritated, Snape flicks his wand at the head and directs it to the cauldron.

'And another thing, if Lily finds out what you are doing to me now… Even the afterlife wouldn't be a safe place for you. I swear her temper has gotten worse ever since she died…' James's head is cut off as it lands with a small "thud" in the cauldron.

'Time's up, wrap it up,' the disembodied voice from earlier calls.

'Well, I guess that's all the time we had for today. And remember, a clean kitchen is a happy kitchen,' Snape tells the camera, slightly whacking his finger at it.

'I'M MELTING! GET ME OUT!' James's voice calls from the cauldron.

'Join us next week when we make Tebo stew,' Snape waves and the screen turns black.

**A/N**: _Okay… tell me honestly what you think, even if it's a load of crap. If you happen to have liked it… any suggestions on other recipes Snape can try out, please share, they will be most welcome._


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer__: Still not mine… no donations… not an inch closer to owning it._

_Summary__: TV cooking taken to a whole new level._

**Cooking with Snape**

**Chapter 2**: The Concept of Pancakes

Lights turn on, the camera zooms in on the familiar kitchen and Snape, already adorning his floral apron and hairnet. He smiles, what in his case could be considered, warmly at the camera, some of his teeth are missing.

'Welcome back to Cooking with Snape,' he smiles, spreading his arms. 'Unfortunately, we could not acquire a Tebo for the Tebo stew, therefore today we'll be making pancakes and a student has volunteered in tasting it.'

'I didn't volunteer,' a voice calls from off the set. 'You promised extra-credits!'

'As I was saying,' Snape continues, ignoring the voice. 'Pancakes, there are two variations of them, but since we are not in Greece nor have a stock of essence of Pan, the mythological god, we will be making the variation using pans used for cooking. I will be using my personal favourite; the frying pan.'

He produces said frying pan, one sporting a dent in the form of his face. Suddenly a tooth falls out on his hand and Snape smiles triumphantly.

'There you are, now Poppy can restore my teeth to their former glory. I knew Lily couldn't have been that cruel,' he says to himself before realising the camera is still running. 'Oh, sorry, where were we?'

'Pancakes, you idiot. No wonder the Marauders were always picking on you,' the student off screen yells.

'We are not here to discuss my childhood, thank you very much,' Snape snaps back. 'Right, pancakes. Of course we cannot use a whole frying pan. It is too big and few people can actually bite a piece off of it. This is easily solved though.'

Snape picks up a bow sitting next to him on the counter and holds the frying pan over it, before pulling out his wand. 'Reducto,' he says and the frying pan is blasted into very thin dust which falls neatly in the bowl. 'Right, now add milk, eggs, a pinch of flower and sugar… hum… I seem to have forgotten to order sugar. Well, no worries, if you don't have sugar at hand, you could always use a sweet and innocent first-year student for that, however if you are not at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry don't have a first-year student available at home, you can also use either a Fairy, a Puffskein or a Snidget.'

'Snidget's are protected, ass,' the student off screen interjects.

'Shut up, you little twit or you'll never graduate,' Snape snaps back yet again.

'Like anyone would give a shit, Auror training would already welcome me with open arms,' the student retorts. 'Just go on with the damned show so we can get this over with.'

'Right, okay, when everything is mixed together you can pour the mixture in the cake forms. You can of course use any form you want. I will be using flower forms. Now once you're done, you can put them in the oven for about an hour before they are done.'

-**one hour later**-

'Welcome back, cakes have turned out just perfect and I now present to you; Mr. Ronald Weasley, our taste bud of today,' Snape grins, his teeth now all back in place.

'If I die of food poisoning, you do know Mrs. Potter will kill you, right?' Ron grumbled as he walks onto the set.

'And what reason would Lily have to kill me?' Snape asks, raising an eyebrow.

'I _am_ her son's best friend, if you have forgotten,' Ron retorted. 'Now give me one of those damned cakes and pass me for potions and I'll be on my way.'

Snape hands out a cake and Ron takes a tentative bite, almost immediately spitting it out. 'A piece of charcoal tastes better,' he manages to get out between spits. 'I'm going to find Hermione and see if she had a way to get this foul taste off my tongue.'

With that he walks off, leaving a fuming Snape behind. 'And you've failed potions!' He calls after Ron.

'Passing potions is not even near worth eating that,' Ron calls over his shoulder.

'Oh well, that's all the time we have. Enjoy your pancakes and don't forget; "A bubbling cauldron is a content cauldron".'

**A/****N**: _Hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as the last. Suggestions still welcome and also tell me what you think._


End file.
